Betty White Is Turning 99 And We Have Ideas For What She Should Do To Celebrate

by Gorman

America loves Betty White. She might as well change her name to Betty Red White And Blue. For this reason, people lose their collective minds every year on her birthday. On January 17th, 2021 Betty is going to turn 99, which is a pretty big deal, since it’s the last year she’ll be in double digit territory. According to a story in Today, she has some big plans for her birthday this year…she’s going to pet some ducks.

Now, we at Men’s Humor absolutely love ducks. We love all birds and wildlife in general. But come on, Betts! You’re turning 99! That’s cause for celebration even if the world is falling apart! White said she has these two ducks that visit her every morning. She feeds them every day. Mazel tov, betty, but you are GOING to get wild on your big day. Here are a few ideas for how Betty White can get bucknasty in a covid safe way

Drink Whiskey With The Two Ducks She Hangs Out With

Betty is planning on spending her birthday with ducks, we know, but she’s just gonna feed them!? You gotta eat too, girl! That’s why we think she should eat some whiskey with her bros. Get some gentleman jack and a crusty old loaf of bread and fatten those bad boys up in style. It’s perfectly safe as long as she doesn’t destroy her internal organs.


Gambling is one of the few industries somehow unaffected by the pandemic. People friggin love to gamble, and they’ll find any way they can to do it. Betty can simply log onto one of the many online gambling sites and apps and go nuts. She’s got the dough, for sure. Maybe she can bet on drone racing?

Get Naked And Set A Fire In Her Backyard

Look, it’s HER back yard. And it’s HER birthday. The only real way to celebrate would be to wear your birthday suit and go nuts. She doesn’t HAVE to start the fire, but we think she’s enjoy it. There’s just something about the feeling of scorched embers on the bare flesh that makes you feel truly ALIVE. This is fitting for Betty White, since she’s so alive she’ll never die.

Catfish Some Pedophiles

Betty white may in quarantine, but there’s one pastime shut-ins will always relish no matter the season…cat-fishing perverts. This is a fun and charitable way to spend your birthday. As soon as she hooks em, she can send that shit over to the FBI. A job well done, for old Betty blue eyes.

There you have it. Just a few quick ideas for our girl to live it up in style/debauchery on her big day. Apparently she’s also going to be re-releasing “The Pet Set,” a show she made in the 70s where she hangs out with animals. It’ll be released on DVD and digital. Cool cool cool. But once all THAT is done, Betty baby, you need to break out the bottle and gamble your heart away.