A Humble Solution For America’s Physician Shortage: Let ‘Em Wear Plague Doctor Masks

by Gorman

Did you know that there’s a massive drought of doctors in the United States? According to the American Association of Medical Doctors, we could have a “shortfall of up to 139,000 physicians by 2033.” What’s the reason behind this physician shortage? We have a theory: it’s because today’s doctors don’t wear plague masks, and therefore, it is not as cool to be a doctor anymore.

Our solution: Bring back creepy-ass plague masks, and this country will turn that doctor shortage into a doctor surplus.

The history of the medical face mask is long and storied, as this Forbes article recounting their illustrious past testifies. But plague doctor masks stand out among them all, due to how to absolutely terrifying they are.

Why did they go out of style in the first place? Well, it’s tough to imagine anyone wanting to see the sloped beak of a vulture gazing down on them from their deathbed (most wouldn’t, but some might, and to each their own.)

But they also went out of style because they were absolutely and completely useless for preventing the bubonic plague from sweeping across Europe and reeking all forms of mass chaos. You see, in the middle ages they believed the plague was caused and spread by bad vapors. The solution? Fill some bird masks with flowers so the doctor can’t smell the vapors. Dumbasses!

It’s a real shame, when you think about. These masks are cool as hell. Any look immortalized in countless Halloween costumes is what the legendary couture designer Coco Chanel would call ‘timeless.’

Despite the fact that the technology at the time was not, shall we say, sound, there’s no reason we can’t update plague doctor masks with a fresh, contemporary look for our time. Today, we have the technology to make them actually effective, and the fashion sense to make them acceptable as everyday doctor-wear.

Below are a few examples of how cool certain doctors could look with modern plague masks:

• Ox (for pediatricians)

• Gopher (for dentists)

• Cheetah (for opthamologists)

• Piggy (for veterinarians)

• Boxer (dog) (for hospice care nurses)

• Moose (for OB/GYNs)

A pediatrician who’s wearing scrubs AND an enormous ox-head? Enough said.

And the list goes on. We feel strongly that if it became commonplace for trained medical professionals to wear cool masks all the time, our nation’s medical schools would be flooded with applicants. At the very least, we’ll get new kinds of Halloween costumes!