KFC, UNITED STATES – The KFConsole has arrived, and it’s bound to be a godsend for the most hygienically backwards and depraved gamers among us. If you love video games to the point that it’s difficult to feed yourself like a normal person, KFC has partnered with P.C.-hardware designer Cooler Master to develop a console that cools off its internal hardware and sends the heat it generates to a chamber containing chicken.
If this chicken bucket-shaped console makes you feel anything but pure revulsion, you need to go to church and get some God in your life.
According to TechRadar, KFConsole’s gaming technology is unreasonably advanced, and can run games like Crysis, Cyberpunk 2077, and I Love You Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator at 4k, 240fps.
Thankfully, there is no release date for the KFConsole just yet. Let’s pray it stays that way. That KFC has enough money to sink into a marketing stunt such as this just goes to show that they need to be nationalized.
This isn’t the first time a brand has created a console chimera that will make you question mankind’s capacity for reason: Microsoft once brought a meme about an Xbox Series X Fridge to life (against God’s will).
Putting pools of fried grease in such close proximity to overheating electronics sounds extraordinarily dangerous, and would likely only function as some form of population control directed at godless weirdos who would earnestly use a product like this. Though, one has to assume that any kind of person this would appeal to has waterboarded themselves to death with Mountain Dew Code Red by now.
Haven’t people been through enough this past year? Now we have to think about the chicken company’s unearned appeal for your attention? Give us some space, corporate marketing departments.
We’re curious what Colonel Sanders would think of the KFConsole. We think he would long for the days of old when novelty items were limited to whoopee cushions, Chinese finger traps, and plain old sticks. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure since the Colonel passed away in 1980, after which he was buried at sea in accordance with his religious beliefs.
Even if the KFConsole never comes out, the engineering technology required to develop it will not go to waste, since the military will probably implement it in weapons and ballistics research.