MICHIGAN — If you thought baby showers were brutal enough, wait until you get a load of this. A Michigan man was killed Saturday evening after shrapnel from an exploding canon at a baby shower struck him right in the fuckin’ face. Take that and rewind it back.
Mama mía, that’s gotta sting!
So what the hell happened?
At around 7:30pm on Saturday evening, a cannon fired to celebrate a baby being brought into this world. According to Michigan State police, things took a turn from there:
“The homeowner had purchased the cannon at an auction prior to the event and had fired the cannon several times prior. The cannon is designed to create a big flash, a loud noise and create smoke,” state police said in a statement.
Oof. That’s a big fat L if we’ve ever seen one.
How should you properly celebrate at a baby shower?
With some damn alcohol and smoked meats. No need to get a cannon involved. Projectiles have no place at a baby shower in our opinion. You need two pounds of bacon, a Ron Swanson statue (epic!), and a bunch of condoms for when everyone needs to have sexual intercourse.
You must attack the people at the baby shower. Striking is necessary. Kick and punch everyone you see. Make love to the wait staff. Fight the demons that arise. Allow your loved ones to cry. Piss all over the place. Bring a seven layer dip. Eat your smoked meat. Drench the remaining members of the party in ranch dressing. Swallow a hot dog whole. Murder anyone who doesn’t speak French. Pound out a new driveway.