Taking No Prisoners: KFC Announces They Plan On Winning ‘The Chicken Sandwich War”

by Mad Dog

KFC, USA — If you wondered why KFC was so silent for the past few months, we’re about to give you the exact reason they haven’t said shit: the scientists over at KFC have developed a new chicken sandwich that they are confident will destroy Popeyes, Chick-Fil-A, Burger King, McDonalds, and Wendy’s.

The new chicken sandwich will be available in select markets starting today, before going nationwide by the end of February. So, if you’re a lucky citizen of Chicago, Kansas City, Louisville, Portland, St. Louis, Sacramento, San Francisco, Seattle, and/or Tulsa, get ready to chow down on The Colonel’s new offering.

Goddamn, we’re jealous of you lucky MF-ers. We’re stuck at work eating dry ham and Sun Chips leftover from the office holiday party. And you can tell how excited KFC is by their statement earlier today:

“We tested the new KFC Chicken Sandwich in Orlando last spring, and we nearly doubled our sales expectations, so we knew that we had a winner,” said Andrea Zahumensky, chief marketing officer of KFC U.S., in a press release issued Thursday. “Many customers hadn’t considered KFC as a part of the chicken sandwich conversation, but anyone who tastes this sandwich will know, without a doubt, that we’re playing to win.”

Holy shit! They’re not playing around. If we were Popeye’s, we’d be cowering in our damn boots at this point.

The new chicken sandwich sounds amazing. It’s a double breaded chicken breast, spicy or non-spicy mayo, lettuce, pickles, and a brioche bun, all cooked to order. Our mouths are pretty much overflowing with drool and lust at this point.

At first the sandwich will be three dollars and ninety nine cents, which is the exact same price as Popeyes’ sandwich. It’s clear that KFC absolutely despises Popeyes, so we’re interested to see which chicken will ultimately reign supreme.