Do You Have What It Takes To Save Queens From Evil Squirrels?

by Gorman

QUEENS, NEW YORK – New York City is under attack. For weeks, a scurry of hyper aggressive squirrels have been launching themselves at citizens in the Queens neighborhood of Rego Park and biting the shit out of them. According to AP News “The city’s Department of Health advised the neighbors to hire a licensed trapper, but the large metal traps have not yet captured any squirrels.” The trappers have failed, so who will save Queens from the destruction and chaos wrought by these raging rodents?

Could it be you? Probably not.

The gang of squirrels is out for blood. One resident, Micheline Frederick, described her own harrowing incident with one of the maniac squirrels.“We’re wrestling in the snow and there’s blood everywhere and my finger’s getting chewed and it won’t let go.” She went on to describe her experience as “an MMA cage match” and while we doubt that very much, we do not doubt that it absolutely sucked nuts to get beaten up by a squirrel.

Frederick got some photos of her encounter, and…yikes. These squirrels are not fucking around.

Photo Credit: Micheline Frederick
Photo Credit: Micheline Frederick

On the bright side, squirrels rarely carry rabies, but they still carry teeth, claws and an iron will to not only survive, but apparently to conquer and reclaim the city of New York for themselves (if you would like a more in depth history of squirrels in New York, which is actually complex and completely fascinating, you should listen to the podcast 99% Invisible and their episode about it.)

It isn’t clear as to why they squirrels have suddenly become such huge assholes, but we have some theories.

• Nut drought

• Tired (cranky)

• Difficult love life

So the squirrels are here and they want to protect what they feel is rightfully theirs. But who will protect humanity from these monsters?

The answer is clear: someone must take up the sword (or squirrel spray maybe) to take the fiends down once and for all. It’s obvious that they will not stop until they’ve brutally murdered us all. They’re taking over New York, but we have a sneaking suspicion they won’t stop until they’ve taken over the rest of the country and possibly the world. At the moment there doesn’t appear to be a reward for vanquishing these foes, so bounty hunters need not apply. A calling such as this is reserved for the noble few who fight squirrels, not for riches, but for justice.*

*Please, God, do not actually go to Queens and try to hurt these squirrels. You will be massacred.