Massachusetts Is Weirdly Bragging That No Kids In Massachusetts Died In Any Fires Last Year

by Tim K

FIRES, BOSTON – Here’s some uplifting news if your bar for uplifting news is insanely low: According to, no children died in fires in Massachusetts last year, which is the first time that’s ever happened.  

Okay, sounds cool, Massachusetts. Honestly kind of weird you’ve been keeping track of that, though? Pretty dark stuff.

Peter Ostrosky, the state’s Fire Marshall, explained in a statement that children and seniors are typically the most at-risk of dying in fires.

“To have no children, no one under the age of 18, die in a fire in Massachusetts is an amazing accomplishment,” he said in a statement.

Per an agency spokesperson, the office has researched records dating to the 1940s.

According to Ostroskey, who seems insanely stoked about his zero-kids-dying-in-fires factoid, the Student Awareness of Fire Education Program, known as SAFE, deserves much of the credit by teaching fire safety in schools.

While adults are responsible for home fire safety, he says the program “has brought key safety information on maintaining smoke alarms, practicing home fire drills, cooking, heating, candle and match and lighter safety home to those adults.”

“Goodness knows there’s nothing like being nagged by a third-grader to test your smoke alarm,” he added.

Huh. Yeah, okay, sure man. I mean, yeah, that’s definitely a good thing that no Massachusetts children died in fires last year. Of course.

It is worth noting, though, that it’s very weird how into that statistic this guy is. He’s all kinds of jacked up. Like, it’s super alarming to even think about kids dying in fires. That’s something that should not cross your mind. Meanwhile, this dude has gone well beyond thinking about it. He’s full-on tracking it, as if it’s fantasy football, or the stock market.

It’s pretty fucked up, honestly. Quit being all weird.

In any event, at least we can all agree that it’s good that the children of Massachusetts are being safe from fires. Hats off to you, kids!