Two Gorillas Tested Positive For COVID. Who Had The Nads To Stick A Swab Up A Gorilla’s Nose?

by Tim K

Here’s some news that leaves us with more questions than answers: Per CNN, two gorillas at the San Diego Zoo tested positive for COVID-19.

Wow. Okay. Huh. Well, firstly, that’s a bummer for the gorillas, definitely. No doubt. Hope those big galoots heal up okay.

But also, and arguably more importantly: Do you think they had to test these gorillas that same way they do for humans? By putting that long-ass swab up their noses? Because it definitely feels like a gorilla would rip your head off if you tried that. Like, clean off, no problem. Gorillas are strong as shit.

According to a press release, three of the primates in the zoo are currently showing symptoms of the virus. Additionally, the press release explains that the animals were likely infected by an asymptomatic staff member.

From there, officials noted that this is the first known instance of coronavirus in great apes. The gorillas live as a family, so it’s assumed that all of the members have been exposed.

Yeah, damn. That sucks. But at the same time, you do gotta wonder: Who had the nads to insert that long tube all the way up into a gorilla’s nostril? And not just quickly place it in there, either. That swab has to be rotated several times for a good, like, ten seconds. Ten seconds each nostril, mind you!

Who would do that? It had to have been someone, like, in the Army, right? Or maybe a huge-ass dude, like the size of The Mountain from Game of Thrones? It’d take a next-level badass motherfucker to try a gorilla like that. You ever see a gorilla without any hair? Here, look at this shit…

Look At How Strong Gorillas Are (They’re Fucking Shredded!)

Credit: @areal_hoodkid Twitter account
Credit: @louisolman Twitter account

This is the strongest thing ever created by Nature! It’s a killing machine! Now, do you think a gorilla would just sit there politely as you did THIS to it?

Here’s How A Covid Test Goes (Uncomfortable As Shit!)

Yeah, no way. A gorilla would tear you up like a tissue if you tried that. It’d hold you up by the hair and yank you by the ankle and your whole pelvis would rip out of your body and blood would rocket from your gut and the gorilla would honestly look bored that whole time. That’d all be so easy for the gorilla that it wouldn’t even really notice it happening, the way humans don’t really notice when you pull up a zipper on a coat. It just happens.

…That is, unless someone insanely badass and strong administered this test, which must have been the case! So who was it??? Tell us!

In conclusion, we are dying to know who out there had the cajones to fuck with a gorilla’s face to this extent. Please hit us up in the comments if you have any information. Whoever you are, we salute you!