Poop Knife Turns 3 – Crappy Birthday!

by Stevie
poop knife

Yes, the anniversary of the original posting of the Poop Knife story turned three in January! While we missed the day last month, we can’t let this load pass us by. We must rectalfy this situation.

For those of you who look on with furrowed brows of interest, it is not a shame that your ignorance of this viral hit from 2018 is now being satisfied. We can be your guides.

It is amazing how often you end up thinking about or referencing the poop knife once you know the story. It becomes a permanent part of your vocabulary. For many people, it becomes a permanent part of their living fixture. When reddit user u/LearnedButt first posted his family butt nugget, he likely had no idea how it would be resonating years later.

The original post is gone. Taken down without explanation. Perhaps going viral for this kind of thing does not honor the family the way it should. We may never know.

Before I spoil anything for those rookie readers of this fine shorty story. Here it is, archived for your great benefit.

My family poops big. Maybe it’s genetic, maybe it’s our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won’t flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out “hey, can you get me the poop knife”? I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It’s been a day or two between poops and I’m over at my friend’s house. My friend was the local dealer and always had ‘guests’ over, because you can’t buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it’s a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife. “My what?” Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. “Wtf is a poop knife?” Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing.

It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn’t cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now.

[Edit: Common question – Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn’t have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn’t. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]

– u/LearnedButt

This begs a few questions about the poop knife

Well of course it does. The comments on the initial archived post are very entertaining and represent most of the question you might come to.

If you like the poop knife story you will probably love to see 10 Memes Guys Will Love.