The soul-crushing weight of a child taking us down a notch with some carefully chosen words is one that holds a sharp sting.
When children we assume to be innocent and angel-like shower their unfiltered, honest thoughts upon us, we sometimes catch a glimpse of the tiny kernel of evil in them. When tiny humans—who aren't well versed with how the world works—roast us, it tends to sting a little more as we rarely expect them to dish out such a burn. Even the most mature, wise, and stoic among us may be unable to bear the soul-crushing weight of witnessing a child take us down a notch with some carefully chosen words that strike the rawest parts of our already bruised hearts.
Some parents, on the other hand, have accepted their fate of producing sassy roast masters. They never know when their daredevils will drop a new surprise and deliver a sour dose of humility. Fortunately for us, many of them have taken to social media to express their embarrassment, which makes for a fascinating (and hilarious) read. Here are 20 tweets from parents about the time their children put them in their place in the most savage way possible:
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.
— JennyPentland, GED (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017
Me: *gets out my "world's best dad" mug*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 30, 2022
9-year-old: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
9: Did you steal that?
My 7yo, clinging to his belief in Santa: “You can’t afford all those presents. I did the math.”
— Carrie Melago (@carriemelago) December 18, 2018
Last night, my 3 year old kicked me during a tantrum. As I tucked him in bed later, he apologized. "I'll never kick you again," he said, pulling me in closer and kissing my cheek. "Just do exactly what I tell you to do and I'll never have to kick you again." My son is a mobster.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 4, 2019
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) August 19, 2019
Me to my son: You remind me of me.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 16, 2016
Son: That's just mean.
My 3yo found the photo album from her dad’s and my wedding and finds a pic of us kissing.
— Ande Wall (@AndeWall) July 16, 2019
“Awww. And then you guys lived happily ever after?”
(Long pause)
“But daddy lives with Miss Kristin now and you live alone.”
GOOD MORNING Y’ALL.
When I've done things like this my daughter looks a me and mutters "Bang...Klippty Klop" I asked her what that meant and she replied "That's the sound of you falling off your high horse, and it leaving without you"
— Vanurtle (@Vanurtle) January 28, 2020
I was singing You Are My Sunshine to my 3 year old and he told me he hates that song. I said that's a shame because I use to sing it to him when he was in my tummy before he was born and he looked me dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too".
— Al (@AliceTaylorM) December 12, 2021
4-year-old: Can we get a kitten?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 25, 2016
Me: I'm allergic. We can't be in the same house.
4: You could sleep outside.
We're watching Shrek as a family and at the moment when Fiona turned from a woman into an ogre, my 2yo pointed to the TV and said "now she's a mom."
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 15, 2022
Me: u won’t know how to ride a bike right away. Takes practice
— Sabaa Tahir (@sabaatahir) March 18, 2019
7yo: ok
Me: took me many tries.
7yo: can I try now?
Me: be patient
7yo: Mama, can I try PLEASE
Me: be prepared to eat it
7yo: 🙄🙄 *gets on bike* *rides away*
Me: ...
7yo: *yells* u were not as smart as me maybe
my daughter asked why she can’t just quit school and i told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “i’ll visit you”
— ceciATL (@CeciATL) January 28, 2021
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World's Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
— RM (@dorsalstream) June 16, 2019
4: Mommy, you're just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
— Marl (@Marlebean) April 17, 2014
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: ...
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Me: I think you're going through a growth spurt.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 1, 2022
7-year-old: Why?
Me: You're eating more.
7: No. Your cooking just got less bad.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
— todd dillard (@toddedillard) March 3, 2021
Me: *irons my shirt*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 18, 2022
6-year-old: Why are you doing that?
Me: I don't like wrinkles.
6: What about the ones on your face?
I explained to my daughter that when Netflix started they used to send you DVDs.
— Donald Zimmer (@zimmer_donald) September 27, 2020
6yr old: (old lady voice) You know, back in my day, the internet used to come in the mail.
Kid in my son’s class explained to me that she was sure he has two moms because he has “the pretty mom and the other mom.” She described each to me in some detail.
— Aubrey Hirsch (@aubreyhirsch) February 9, 2020
Reader, both are me.
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