Australia Is Executing This Disease-Ridden Pigeon. We Have Mad Tight Ideas For How To Do It.

by Tim K

Here’s some rough news for fans of birds: According to the Times of India, a pigeon that flew from Oregon to Australia is about to be killed for fear it brought diseases with it.

That’s a bummer, no doubt. But, if we’re gonna do this thing, Men’s Humor has some pretty tight-ass ideas for how to get the job done.

The pigeon, which was amid a race back in Oregon, somehow survived an 8,000-mile trek across the Pacific Ocean before landing in Australia. But now that it’s caught the attention of the notoriously strict Australian Quarantine and Inspection Service, it’s pretty clear that this bird should’ve stayed stateside.

Okay, welp, it seems like this bird’s fate is set. Damn shame. The only question left is, “How are we gonna murder this bird?”

You know we got you covered there!

Ideas For Murdering The Pigeon

© Ricky Rogers / The Tennessean via Imagn Content Services, LLC

Firing Squad

Quick and easy. The only problem here is obviously, “How would the bird stand still? It’d probably fly away.” That might be true, but we don’t know.

Lethal Injection

It’s not necessarily pretty, but it’s probably as humane as it gets. I don’t know if we’d need tiny leather belts to hold the bird down, or if somehow could just hold the bird real tight in their hands, or what. We’d have to figure that out.

Car Accident, No Seatbelt

This pitch hinges on the possibility that, like, Australia is super mad at this pigeon. If they are, then they’d probably lean toward wanting a kinda brutal death. I think car crashes are about as brutal as it gets. Even the sound of one happening is so upsetting.  

There are surely some more ideas I could easily rattle off here, but I don’t have time right now. In any event, these are basically the Big Three of ways-to-kill-things anyway, so it’s a good place to start.

How do our Men’s Humor Brigade think we should murder this bird? Are any of you heavyset camo weirdos alarmingly passionate about this? Let us know in the comments!