Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop: These Insane Clams Make Love All Day And Night

by Mad Dog

OCEAN — Welcome to the Insane Clam Posse, where these underwater creatures make passionate love to each other all day and night. In new footage taken by the University of Portsmouth, giant feathery shipworms have been videotaped engaging in sexual reproduction for hours on end, refusing to stop even in front of cameras.

Yep. You heard it here first from Men’s Humor’s mating ritual department. Shipworms are going at it like donkeys in heat and they’re not stopping anytime soon.

They participate in a form of direct fertilization called pseudocopulation, first reported in the 1960s. But no one has seen this intense and passionate and downright romantic process before. Not until today:

Courtesy of New York Times

Now that’s what we’re talking about! It’s time we stop calling it doggy style, and start doing sex “worm-style.”

How did this footage happen?

For years, researchers at Portsmouth University have been trying to capture this rare mating ritual. But it wasn’t until Doctor Shipway took his GoPro underneath the hull of a ship that the process was able to be recorded for the first time in nature.

The mating ritual is so intense that Doctor Shipway could hardly even see anything while he was underwater. “It was like milk, literally difficult to see what was going on,” Dr. Shipway said. He added: “It’s really dramatic when they spawn, like little white smokestacks.”

Gross! These little buggers are spraying white liquid like a goddamn Got Milk? commercial.

Should you go looking for mating shipworms?

We at Men’s Humor cannot firmly recommend you go out and find shipworms for yourself. However, if you live in the Pacific Northwest and you’re horny for bug fucking, we can’t tell you not to go looking for these milk-spraying monsters. But if you do, just remember one thing: be safe and make sure you wear protection.