You know how when your girl says, “I’m fine,” she’s actually not fine? She’s actually plotting your death because you came home from a boys night an hour later than you said you would. Well, there are things that guys think and never say as well.
It’s nice to know what’s going on inside a dude’s mind, but honestly, sometimes its just disgusting. If it’s not gross, it’s probably so confusing and dumb that it’s worth asking about. People took to Reddit to discuss what men think and never say and it couldn’t be more hilarious and true.
What’s The Science Behind This?
There needs to be some better science behind a man’s need to touch the top of the doorframe before he goes through it. It’s such a bizarre need. It’s almost automatic and probably stems from being younger and not being able to reach the top of the doorframe.
Maybe that’s it. Or, maybe our ancestors were all door-framers and that’s our subliminal way of paying homage to them. Who knows.
The Superhero Strategy Is Real
This is a daily occurrence and it stems back a long time for many of us. I remember being seven years old and envisioning a bad person coming into the classroom and having a plan of attack. This bad person was about to get a face full of Sharpie if they walked in.
To this day, if I’m in a public place, I not only have an exit strategy if stuff starts going wild, but I also have a superhero strategy.
Big Spoon Hurts
This is the elephant in the room. Guys are always expected to be the big spoon. It’s hard to tell whether this came naturally because men were usually the bigger physical stature, or whether if it’s because our pain threshold held up.
Honestly, it hurts so much. Not only does your arm go all pines and needles, but you get a mouthful of hair and are forced to lay in the most uncomfortable positions as big spoon.
Shoot It Straight
If you need us to do something within a short time period, be like tequila and just shoot it straight. There’s no need to bushwhack around what you want, just hit us with it.
As you’ll come to realize in the remainder of this article, it can be fairly easy for us to miss the point, or even worse, see the point that we want to see and not the one you’re portraying.
It’s Not What It Looks Like
You’ll often hear about girls saying that a certain guy is creepy because he’s always just staring at them. In reality, he’s probably just staring off into space temporarily blacked out thinking about the most random thoughts of all time.
Usually, there’s absolutely no coherent thought running through a guy’s mind when he’s just staring in one area. I’m sure you look beautiful sitting over there, but the medieval brewery is way more interesting to dream about.
Believe Us The First Time
In a guy’s mind, there’s no regular thought process. You’re either completely blanked out thinking about nothing, or you’re already the CEO of a brewery from the 1300s. There really is no in-between, and as much as girls want to think “nothing” is just a cop-out, it’s really not.
It’s something a lot of girl’s struggle to understand about their boyfriends because usually, their minds are racing about something.
What We Hear Is What We Hear
We have no issue with trying to GIVE subtle hints about stuff, but we really struggle with actually understanding them. If you want something done, you need to say it. Being subtle is never going to solve any of the problems.
As this guy said, he just figured that when he went to shovel the driveway next time, he’s going to have to be more careful. It’s a sad, but real truth.
Guys Like Em’ Too
The problem with a lot of dudes is that they put up this front that they don’t actually care about what people think about them. They seem to shrug off anyone making fun of how they look, and they act like they’re not flattered when someone compliments them.
The truth is, guys are just as sensitive to what’s being said about them. Heck, I had the same haircut for four years just because some random girl came up and told me she liked how it looked.
I Don’t Know Where To Start
Let’s start with something a little more off topic, but very important. If you see someone walking around with their fly undone, it’s your moral obligation to ensure that the person is told about it.
You’re not being a good person by letting them walk around with their you-know-what hanging out just because you want to avoid an awkward five seconds of chatter. Oh, and yeah, also pull the zipper away first.
Fixers, Not Always Thinkers
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t come crying to us, but it is important to know that men will process the information you’re giving to them a lot differently. They’ll want to fix a problem that they can’t usually fix.
For example, if you’re crying because your best friend did something to you, he’s going to want to fix it somehow, which usually results in making the situation worse. Just let us know that this is a venting session.
The Standards Are Pretty Low
Here’s a lesson for you fellas, if you walk into the room and your girl asks if you notice anything different, always say her hair. No matter what. Also, say it looks great because she really cares about it.
It’s not that we don’t notice, it’s usually that we just don’t care enough to tell you because your hair looks good either way. Again, the standards revolve around stick people.
Don’t Take It Personally
Not to get all Dr. Phil, but one of the major issues with relationships is that both partners take things way too personally. If he wants to be alone for the night, it’s not because he hates you, he’s probably just having a moment.
Even the most social person in the world will need some time alone. Some of your most productive thinking comes when you’re able to think clear by yourself.
Shameless Back Pat
It shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that guy’s like to give themselves a pat on the back. I mean, who doesn’t? One of the biggest accomplishments comes when we fit everything we wanted into the back of our truck when no one else believed it would fit.
There’s nothing wrong with saying, “look at that” and “that’s not going anywhere,” when staring at your haul. We did an amazin job.
Toss Anything, Literally Anything
This is right on point. It often gets overlooked because it’s such a small detail, but we just want every transaction of random inanimate objects to be fun. If you’re passing me the stapler, toss it.
Heck, if you’re passing me a sharp knife don’t be afraid to throw it and make it interesting by giving it a couple spins in the air. Any damage done will be worth the adrenaline of trying to catch these items.
The Unwritten Rule
Going into the men’s washroom can be stressful for this reason. It can be so uncomfortable going to the bathroom shoulder to shoulder. If there are open urinals, then you NEVER pick the one beside someone.
A guy’s neck doesn’t get stiffer than when he is at a urinal beside someone. He’s staring directly into the wall and his head is not moving to either side. It’s actually hilarious to think about.
All Guys Aren’t Scumbags
This kind of goes without saying, but there are some people out there who believe this. If a guy is being cold to a girl at the bar, it’s because it’s becoming increasingly hard to tell the difference between flirting and being nice.
Girls have to go through this same dilemma as well. Some people are just very nice and it comes off as flirting, when really, they couldn’t care less.
Very Very Real
This is very true. There’s a huge stigma that follows mental health in general, but especially with guys. For whatever reason, many girls see guys as these impenetrable mental specimens and that’s anything but.
There are many ways that mental health can show its face without anyone, even the guy feeling the illness, knowing. Okay, enough of the sad stuff, let’s get back to guys being guys and dudes being dudes.
You’d be shocked to find out that many girls think that guy just don’t like hugs. It’s not true at all. Guys hug other guys very differently then they hug girls. When they hug their boys, it’s usually some weird handshake shoulder wrap embrace. It’s not usually a full two arm wrap, just one will do.
The two arm wrap comes when a guy hugs his girlfriend, wife, or family member.
It’s A Two Way Street
There’s this weird thing that happens when a guy and a girl are just starting to see each other. It’s this weird perception that the guy has to make every first move. He has to be the first one to text, the first one to go in for a kiss, the first one to ask them out on a date.
Why can’t there be some halfway motion to the middle from the girl? We need it.
Guilty As Charged
If a guy spends more than 15 minutes on the toilet it’s because they’re currently in a rabbit hole on a website like Reddit and are not going to be getting off for a while. Usually, the only time he’ll think about getting off the toilet is when his legs start to go numb.
This is an actual thing. Dudes have a wild internet life while they sit on the toilet.