The dating game is a cut throat realm to be in. Some people don’t stay in there very long and get hitched quick, while others are basically serving a life sentence to the dating life. While it’d be great to say that there are compatible matches out there for everyone, it’s just not the case.
Some of us were just not made to be with anyone but ourselves. All of the chronically single people across the internet logged off of their online dating profiles to share the hilarious reason that they’re single. Prepare to feel SO much better about your dating game after hearing these stories.
Always Warn Your Date About The Crazies In Your Family
One of the major rules of dating that I think a lot of people miss is warning your date about your family. When you’re about to bring them over for the first time, WARN THEM about the toxic people in your life who might make it awkward.
This girl should’ve told the guy that her little cousin is sent straight from Satan’s lair and will probably want to eat his ribs. Don’t feel shocked, it’s normal and it won’t actually happen.
There’s No Recovering From This One
We all make mistakes. The great thing about life is that often times, you get to redeem yourself. Not many things can happen to you in which you can’t recover from, both mentally and physically.
Holding someone’s hand when they’re just trying to get their pen back is one of the moments that you’ll never recover from. There’s no good way to get out of that awkward situation. Book the next flight out of the country and start over again somewhere far away.
Cat People Are Walking A Thin Line
Can we talk about how risky it is to be a crazy cat person while also trying to dip your toes into the dating pool? Cat people are crazy. Sorry, it may be an unpopular opinion, but it’s factually true.
If you’re on a first date and that person is going to meet your cat, maybe just call him ‘Buck’ to start. I feel like if you gave your date the full name right off the bat, it may result in a quick exit through the back door.
Coming up, someone talks about the physical exhaustion of dating, and their alternative is spot on.
You Do What You Have To Do To Eat
Cleanliness can be a deal breaker in a relationship. If you’re dating someone who in inherently a messy person, it can cause unnecessary stress that could cause tensions between the two of you.
If you run out of clean plates, that usually means there’s a whole cabinet full of dirty ones sitting in your sink. A lot of people believe that if you can’t even keep your home clean than you’re life in general is probably falling apart. That’s their one-way ticket out.
“I’m Going To Have To Ask My Other Boyfriends First”
This is more common than most of us want to believe. If you think of all your favorite TV shows and movies, it’s safe to say that you’ve dreamt about dating them quite regularly. You envision what life would be like with Zac Efron standing next to you.
You can also relate to the sad emotions you feel when you see that they get into a relationship. You have this sense of ownership over them. It’s almost as if you’re betrayed that they didn’t even ask you if it was okay first.
Just Take The Easy Way Out
Dating is really exhausting. Going on a first date is not exciting at all, I don’t care what anyone says. You have to spend an enormous amount of emotional energy trying to be the most fake version of yourself while pretending that you like craft beer.
Why not just take the unconditional love that your dog gives you and run with that instead? It’s a lot more rewarding and takes A LOT less effort and energy.
If you’re someone who can’t stand to share your food, you’re going to relate to this #whyimsingle tweet just ahead.
Embrace Being Unique… In Private
I a world that tries so hard to make you be like everyone else, it’s refreshing to see that there are people who still want to have hobbies all their own. In a world where everyone is different, it can be hard to stand out.
I bet that this is the ONLY person in the world who gets excitement from drawing birds playing various sports, and it’s awesome. This hobby certainly doesn’t play well in the dating pool, but to each their own.
That Took A Creepy Turn
You’d be lying if you said that you don’t have an unhealthy obsession with your crush’s social media profiles. My hope is that you haven’t told them about this obsession because it does come off as very creepy.
Just the thought of someone who you’re not dating telling you that they look at your profile EVERY NIGHT before you go to bed is enough to end a conversation. I guess you can chalk this one under a “Freudian slip.”
This Is A Legitimate Concern
If there’s a good reason in any of these tweets as to why you want to remain single, this is one that holds water. If you’re a food lover like myself, there’s also a good chance that you HATE sharing it.
If you’re in a committed relationship, it kind of goes without saying that you’ll probably have to share food. That’s a tough mental block to be able to get past, and one that would take a lot of trust to successfully pull off.
Coming up, someone who is directionally challenged talks about why they think they’re single.
Pizza Doesn’t Ask You To Buy Them Anything Other Than Dipping Sauce
If you think about it, people are hard to like. About 99.9% of the population isn’t going to get along with you, that’s just a fact. If you don’t believe me, just quickly do a head count on your two friends.
Pizza and donuts don’t talk back to you. They don’t make plans with you and then bail last minute. They don’t ask you for money. They don’t use you for your video games. All they want is for you to enjoy eating them.
Now You’re The Boogey-Man, Congrats
There’s a simple solution to this problem that most people don’t talk about because it’s taboo — picking your nose. Most people are afraid to pick their nose because they think it’s gross.
I’d rather pick my nose on my own terms than have some hot lifeguard tell me that I have boogers all over my face. You’re not going to have a Kleenex with you everywhere you go, so you have to make a decision. Pick you nose. Please.
It’s The Quickest Way To Determine Direction
I’m about to become very unpopular in a second because I’m about to defend this trick to get directions. When you’re looking for a quick and efficient way to tell your left from right — the L is the best way.
You don’t need any device. You don’t need any maps or technology. You just need your finger. While it may look idiotic, it’s not. When the person who makes fun of you takes a R instead of an L, you can ask them who’s laughing now.
If you’re new to a relationship, you should probably be more passive-aggressive than just straight up aggressive. This girl coming up shows us a masterclass in this premise.
“Why Did I Say That? Why Did I Say That?”
This is a moment that I would be kicking myself for the rest of the week. You had your big opportunity to make a good impression on a cute girl and you completely blew it.
With that being said, hydration is very important. Almost three-quarters of the American population is chronically dehydrated, so if he’s spreading some hydration awareness we can’t be too mad at him. The moan is still really creepy and totally unnecessary though.
This Isn’t Where I Parked My Car
This is worse than hooking up with someone while you were in a blackout, and then seeing them out and not recognizing who they are. This was all the proof this guy needed to realize that she wasn’t paying attention to anything he was saying.
I don’t know how you could recover from this blunder, but I know it’s not impossible. Maybe blame the alcohol or the restaurant lighting. Just don’t say, ” all you guys look the same, sorry.”
When you’re early on in a relationship and you don’t want to be outright aggressive, it pays off to be passive. The way that this girl calls out the messy apartment in an intellectual way is really inspiring.
If the guy even understood the reference he couldn’t be mad about it because it’s so creative. Obviously, in this case, the date was mad that she called out his cleanliness but that probably means that he wasn’t the one to begin with.
Coming up, a girl gets flowers as a gift and does exactly what you shouldn’t do.
If It Takes More Effort, Then You Can Count Me Out
While this may seem like a petty reason to not get into a relationship, it does have some merit. If you’ve ever had to shave your legs, you know that it’s time consuming and irritating.
If you can avoid having to do that on a regular basis just by not having a love-life, then why not do it? This seems like a great trade off if you ask me. You get to spend money on yourself instead of someone else AND you don’t have to waste half of your life shaving hair off of your body.
Single Flamingos Better Be Paying Attention
If you’re a human you can probably switch the page, but if you’re a flamingo you need to stay put. This pick up line might be the key to you finding your next mate.
I guarantee you that none of the other flamingos in your, uh, flock, are going to be spitting these kinds of lines. If you’re a human and you use this, then you can kiss any chance of finding love EVER goodbye, because it’s not going to happen.
Fight, Flight, Or Eat
You know how everyone says that when you’re put in a sticky situation you either fight or flight? Well, what would you say happened here?
I would maybe put this in its own category because it doesn’t really fall into either category. I guess if I had to choose I would say fight. Eating something out of sheer panic can be considered a fight technique. Just ask Mike Tyson. Also, Grampa Berty has had a wild life.
Complimenting Things That Matter
While you may see this as a weird compliment, it should be taken very seriously. Most people at some point in their lives have some sort of back problems. If you have a nice spine, that’s very good.
While it’s nice to have beautiful eyes, or defined cheeks, having a “nice spine” is much more healthy in the long run. My guess is that this guy was more than flattered to hear that he had an above average back bone.
Just Stating Facts
There’s nothing wrong with being honest and stating facts. If someone says that they like your glasses, you’re allowed to tell him how they benefit you.
Also, telling him that you actually need glasses to see tells him that you’re not crazy. I say that because people are starting to wear prescription-less glasses just for the fun of it. If you see someone who doesn’t need to be a four eyes, but wants to be anyway — run.