STRIP CLUB, PACIFIC NORTHWEST – Washington Football Team quarterback Dwayne Haskins took to Twitter to apologize over leaked photos of him at a strip club without a mask. Having left no part of his mouth to the imagination, Haskins faces news fines for violating his team’s official COVID-19 protocols.
Before turning his Twitter account to private, Haskins tweeted that he “took full responsibility for putting the team at risk” during a conversation with coach Ron Rivera earlier this week.
“It was irresponsible and immature and I accept responsibility for my action,” he continued.
The strippers on shift during the night in question could not be reached for comment. They are presumed to be healthy, and alive.
This isn’t the first time Haskins has been caught breaking COVID-19 protocols. Earlier this season, he was fined $4,833 for reserving a room for a family friend at the same hotel the same had been staying at during a game against the New York Giants.
Having already been benched and demoted at various points this season, Haskins is on thin ice with the team, and may have further jeopardized his future with the organization.
It remains unknown if the strip club in question was the kind that serves food too, such as surf-and-turf buffets. If any reader has information as to the food situation, and any relevant specials on said buffet service, please contact Men’s Humor immediately.
While we have no choice but to respect Haskins for supporting one of the small businesses that COVID-19 has likely hit hardest in the past year, Men’s Humor cannot condone maskless sexual activity of any kind.
We are not one to offer unconstructive criticisms to the subjects of our news content, which is why we have compiled some alternative methods for Haskins to partake in the strip club experience without putting the health of himself and his team at risk.
- Watching the strippers from 100 yards away with binoculars.
- Imagining the strip club experience instead.
- Renting an adult film from the comfort of home.
- Sprinting on the treadmill to tire yourself out the moment you feel yourself being carried away by thoughts of a sexual nature.
- Marrying a wife.
We hope these alternatives suit your lifestyle, QB Haskins. Everyone makes mistakes, but what’s important is that we learn from them.