LOS ANGELES, CA—Sometimes life is truly unfair. One day you’re selling Beats By Dre for a billion dollars, the next day you’re having a brain aneurysm. At least if you are famed rap mogul and headphone billionaire Doctor Dre, who announced yesterday that he was hospitalized after suffering a brain aneurysm.
Jesus Christ. This is so fucked up. Brains are totally weird.
But wait. The story gets even more sinister and twisted. While Dre was in the hospital at Cedars Sinai, his home in Brentwood was almost burglarized. You have to wonder, is there a God? And if there is, why the hell would He kick Dr. Dre while he was down for the count with a fucked-up brain stem?
This makes no sense to us.
Luckily, the burglars were unable to get inside Dr. Dre’s home before the police caught up to them and scared them off like a pack of dogs. After a short chase, according to LAPD, the suspects were apprehended with a car full of crowbars, saws, and other burglary tools (we’re guessing a few big rocks or something).
Meanwhile Dre remained in good spirits, posting on Instagram: “Thanks to my family, friends and fans for their interest and well wishes. I’m doing great and getting excellent care from my medical team. I will be out of the hospital and back home soon. Shout out to all the great medical professionals at Cedars. One Love!!”
Thank you for your relentless positive energy Dre! We could all take a lesson from the hip-hop mogul and be more chipper when we have brain aneurysms. In these stressful times, the most important lesson we can remember is to remain positive, and Dre is giving all of us a masterclass.
And we’re sure if he were with us right now he’d be screaming one thing: “Fuck the brain aneurysm!”