Who Cares? Scientists Wasted Their Time Discovering The Universe Is 13.77 Billion Years Old When They Should’ve Been Discovering Something Interesting

by Tim K

Get ready to be pissed off, Men’s Humor Believer’s Hive, because we got some incredibly boring-ass news coming down the pike: According to Axios, scientists just discovered that the universe is 13.77 billion years old.

Hot damn, that’s the most boring shit we’ve ever heard! We got tired just typing that bullshit out! Considering how badass and amazing space can be, publishing news this lame is honestly kind of insulting. Hey scientists, instead of this shit, maybe try discovering something cool, like some little tiny aliens that are about the size of a thumb? Or maybe a big mysterious computer on Mars? Literally just anything that’s actually interesting.

To obtain the new data — which was published in a study in the Journal of Cosmology and Astroparticle Physics —  scientists in Chile used the Atacama Cosmology Telescope, which made the measurement by looking at fluctuations in the Cosmic Microwave Background (CMB), the glow left behind after the Big Band formed the universe.

Researchers used the telescope to create a triangle in the sky, measuring distances between the Earth and two points of interest in the CMB, and then extrapolated the distance between the two points.

Since the universe is continually expanding, measuring distances gives scientists a sense for how quickly that change is occurring and, therefore, the age of the universe.

Jeeeesus, scientists, guys, what are you doing? This is the best study you could come up with? Maybe you should give Men’s Humor the keys to the lab if this is the kind of dumbass shit you’re doing in there. We could easily come up with a million better ideas for studies. In fact…

Here’s three ideas off the top of my head, deadass, I’m just freestyling:

• Point a telescope at all those rings on Saturn and really look at them for a while. See if anything lands on them.

• Send Buzz Aldrin back to the moon, record his reaction on video. This experiment would document what nostalgia is like in space / if it’s different.

• It feels like we always go the same direction in space. What if went straight down instead of always up? Like, this time we go away from the moon?

Again, I literally just thought of those three. Not saying they’re perfect, but they sure as shit kick the hell out of this “how old is the universe” nonsense these scientists ended up going with.

A fourth experiment idea I just thought of:

• Shoot more water animals into space (manatee is the first kind that comes to mind). What if they can breathe up there? We’ve never tried it.

Anyway, you get the idea. If these scientists had any respect for space exploration at all, they’d let Men’s Humor do the next big experiment. Our DMs are open. We’ll be waiting.