Get Ready To Scowl, Bald Men: Scientists Found Ice That Can Grow Luscious Hair

by Tim K

IRELAND, EUROPE — Staying positive isn’t always easy. Try as you might, life will throw you a curveball from time to time, and here’s just the latest prime example: Per the BBC, locals in Ireland have identified what’s called “hair ice,” which is exactly what it sounds like.

The ice is growing hair. It’s pretty fucked up, honestly. Damn.

At first glance, the white substance looks like maybe someone dropped some candy floss on a tree branch, but upon closer inspection, you’ll come to a much more depressing realization. Looking closely, you can clearly make out hundreds of individual strands of what looks like beautiful, thick, golden-white hair.  

Scientifically speaking, the white fluff is actually a series of crystals that’s formed on rotting wood during humid winter nights when the temperature is just right – just below zero. Researchers have found that the phenomenon is caused by a fungus, which enables the ice to form thin hairs with a diameter of about 0.01 mm.

As soon as the white locks are touched or hit with any direct sunlight, they immediately melt away.

But who cares. I’d take hair like that. Could really change things for me, I bet. Damn.

Most days, I try to look at my life glass-half-full. Stay optimistic. Sure, I can’t grow hair like that ice, but I can try. So I buy the Hims medicines from the commercials that air on Viceland all the time. I Google ‘Tom Brady hair transplant,’ look at how shitty his hair was a couple years back, then look at how great it is now, and think, “Why not me?”

But sometimes, you just don’t feel like being optimistic. Sometimes you feel like scowling a jealous scowl. So that is what I am doing right now, in this moment, as I stare at these photos of ice that can grow hair so long it could probably be put in a badass ponytail. Fuck that shit. Fuck it, you know?  

So come, my bald brothers… Come and join me! Sit at my table! Let this be a safe space for bald men of all walks of life to gather whenever life gets you down, and you need somewhere to put all of your rage and discontent! Scowl, my friends! Scowl until you can scowl no more!

This ice with hair will forevermore be our shared enemy! May this comment section be flooded with the photos of our furious bald brethren scowling until time finally closes in on itself and all that is will cease to be! Now! Do it! Unburden yourselves and show us your angry mugs!