Tortoise Gets An Enormous Back Scratcher And Now We Want It Too

by Gorman
tortoise scratch

We all know how hard it sucks to have an itch you just can’t scratch. Both metaphorically and literally this sucks, but today we’re focusing on the literal version. A tortoise can apparently get itchy on its shell, which sounds like an existential living nightmare. Now that tortoises (or at least one tortoise) can live free from this grief. A guy built what essentially looks like an itching car wash for tortoises. Check this baby out!

Some brilliant freak over at the Philadelphia zoo was tired of getting on his hands and knees so he could scratch these goddamn GLORIFIED turtles. Every day with this nonsense! We imagine working at the Philadelphia zoo is essentially an unrelenting gulag. When work sucks nuts, the best you can do is come up with an invention that absolutely knocks it out of the park and this thing qualifies.

Here’s the thing: WE want one of these things. Look at how goddamn satisfying that looks. Come springtime we’ll be itching all over thanks to unrelenting hayfever so why not upgrade the old back scratcher and buy this beast. We’d all pay thousands, possibly even millions of dollars for this.

Ideally a human sized back scratcher that is made up of laundry brushes would also make us look like sexual dancers. That’s right, we think these tortoises look sexy as hell when they’re getting their back scratched. Look at those moves! That’s perfect club dancing: feeling it, but not trying too hard.

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